Agency In Relationships

​Agency Definition: the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power; something used to achieve an end
― Merriam-Webster Dictionary
 
Synonyms : agent, activator, catalyst, energizer, influence, inspiration, instrument, launcher, medium, mover, responsibility 

Photo credit to George Dimitrov

You are responsible for your own happiness. 

Let me repeat: you are responsible for your own happiness. In life, no one else is in charge of you, but you. You have all the agency you need. 

I find a lot of people are waiting to be happy. "I will be happy when...” When what? You get a new job? Buy a house? Get married? Retire? But then what happens when you get those things? Usually, you’re still not happy. So you set the next goal, and a continual cycle of unmet happiness ensues.
                    
And you'll never get there. 
 
You have to be happy now. You are responsible for your own happiness.
 
A lot of other people tend to rely on others to make them happy. "If you buy me flowers I will be happy; if we have sex every day, I'll be happy; if you make me feel good about myself, I will be happy."
 
Do you know how much pressure that is?! Your partner can love you so much and want to do all of those things for you, yet it will never be enough to make you happy. Because you are not happy within you. 
 
You have to fill yourself up first, your partner has to fill themselves up first, then a third thing, which is the relationship, can be filled up. Both of you add to this third thing, not to each other's happiness directly. You are responsible for your own half.
 
"Relationship is an art. The dream that two create is more difficult to master than one. To keep the two of you happy, you have to keep your half perfect. You are responsible for your half, and your half has a certain amount of garbage. Your garbage is your garbage. The one who has to deal with that garbage is you, not your partner. If your partner tries to clean your garbage, she is going to end up with a broken nose. We have to learn not to put our nose where no one wants it."
 Don Miguel Ruiz 

Let's relate this to sex. Do you rely on your partner to make you feel sexy? Do you expect your partner to fill your desire? Is it your partner's responsibility to fulfill your sexual needs? 
 
If yes, I'll ask you to reconsider. Let's take a moment to think about being responsible for your own sexuality. Let's empower you to take your desire back and make yourself feel good. 
 
You make yourself feel happy, you also make yourself feel sexy. 
 
If you come to your partner so charged, so riled up, so sexy, and he/she comes to you with that same energy, then you two can explode and explore so much more!! If you come to your partner depleted and maybe even a little resentful, and he/she feels the same, then your sex is going to be hard, forced, expectant and probably disappointing. 
 
There's so much we could talk about here but the main point is, take care of you. If you want flowers, either ask for flowers, or just buy yourself flowers!! If you want an orgasm, give yourself an orgasm. If you want to wear something sexy, wear something sexy. You don't need permission. Feel good for you. Your partner will then benefit from the results: aka, you being happy and sexy and charged. 
 
I am in control of my happiness. I am in control of my own sexuality. 
 
My sexuality is mine and for me to experience. It is not here for someone else to use/abuse or be dependent on. 
 
One way I have misused my sexuality in the past, and I feel like others can relate to, is by having let my sexuality itself be at the disposal of someone else. So instead of taking charge and asking for what I want, I have waited and let my partner dictate what is happening, when and how. I saw my sexuality solely as an object for my partner, something to use at his discretion, becoming his property.
 
How many can relate to that? Being too shy to ask for what you want? Being afraid of rejection? Not even realizing you have the power to ask for it! I don’t know how or where I learnt that my sexuality wasn’t important, but I did. I feel like it was years of conditioning, people pleasing, living in a male dominated world where sex was okay for them but shameful for women.
 
So, I took my sex back! I took my power back. I say yes when I want to say yes and I say no when I want to say no- even if it’s after I have already said yes. I ask for what I want and how I want it. And I will not feel shameful for that.
 
I would encourage you to take your sex back. Have sex when you want to have sex. Say no when you need to take care of you- don’t just please others. Find your pleasure!! Feel good for you. Not for anyone else. Try it out- when I’m in my pleasure, my partner feels more pleasure. And when my partner is in his pleasure, I feel more pleasure. 
 
It's a win-win. 
 
Find your own happiness first, find your own pleasure first, and then beauty can unfold!!
 
Remember that you are in control of your own life, always. You are the master of your fate. If you don’t like something, change it! You can’t control others but you certainly can control you.
 
Xoxo
 
Loving you always!
 
“You are the master of your Fate, the Captain of your Soul.”
Henry Ford
 
“You are the master of your own Destiny.”
Sivananda
 
 ~If you want to talk further or need support, please reach out. I am always here.~
​